greater heights

this is one episode i appreciate.

last friday, i had an uncontrollable fury outburst.
i was so mad, it was beyond words.
my body shook uncontrollabily, my fists clenched,
i pounded on the desk till my wrist bruised.
i screamed and cried at the same time.
i could have punched the person unconscious if
she were in front of me. i might have even kill her.

really.

i was that angry. i was out of my mind.

it was pent up anger. i couldnt handle an unstable
mind. she was taunting and taunting me. she refused
to hang up the phone. she called to taunt and called
to taunt.

i dont have time for shit.

i said ok, go ahead and suit yourself, i've got work to do.

she refused to stop.

i went Berserk.

for the first time i unleashed on her.

no one deserves to be bullied. no one deserved to be taunted.

im washing my hands off you. we can sever all ties, i dont have
the energy for you. you are hurting yes, but i am sorry, i cant
handle you anymore.

i went berserk. i almost lost my mind.

i quit.

she called later. apologise. she didnt mean to. she's sick.

i know, i told her, i know.

she said sorry. i said ok. but im not taking ur shit anymore.

i wont be afraid of you anymore, i said.

she understood. half understood.

i told her, loving you is too difficult.

she said, i didnt ask you to love me. why do you want to
suffer?

i said, ya. im not suffering anymore. i have a choice.
i cant handle you, so, let's just let it be.

***

ive reflected on this.

im glad it happened.

i now know what rage is.

such height. such strength. such magnificence.

ive gotten it first-hand.

anger by itself is not a bad thing. it is what you do with it.

you can use it to fuel you plan. you can use it to drive you.

you can use it to hurt or harm, you can use it to heal.

to better understand yourself.

i have.